Lawer’s £200 Billion Claim in Latest Competency Scandal

Lawer’s £200 Billion Claim in Latest Competency Scandal

By Editor 0 Comment May 11, 2019

Several large legal firms representing thousands of lawyers in the UK are gearing up for yet another national scandal involving the countries biggest banks, insurance companies and Businesses. So what is this new and unprecedented blight on our civilisation. The Daily Spoof rushed into the front line yet again.

We cant believe this is happening, and we are determined to stop it.

That is the war cry in many legal chambers up and down the country.

“We have a history of fantastic legal litigation in this country and we will not let it fail. “

The fact is misselling of insurance, hot coffee spills, accident claims are all falling as appliances get safer, medicine improves and people just can’t be bothered being angry with each other anymore and actually bother to mop up wet floors. PPI is coming to an end and there are no major scandals to immediately replace it. We are getting so much better at being a safer, community spirited country. One of the legal industries main concerns are medical advances which more accurately diagnose an injury.

“We wish to ban MRI scans on whiplash patients. Civilisation depends on proper legal representation, not on finding medical issues and treating them appropriately. I mean the consequences are frightening. It’s becoming increasingly difficult for the public to make false claims. Lawyers might have to buy a new car every three years instead of two, and that impacts the economy.”

Contrary to popular belief most Lawyers would not sell their own grandmothers. As that would pass on any inheritance rights to the new owners

Our Conditions Must Be Met

In fact, several confided that they were seriously considering downsizing to properties with only five bathrooms. So what do these lawyers want

“Ambulance crews are fantastic, we all know that. But sometimes they can be a bit too good. A bit too quick. For example, imagine you are having a heart attack, the paramedics arrive, put you in the van and off you go. Get to that hospital with all the machines with flashing lights etc as quick as you can. But now imagine that something goes wrong, yes its one in a million, but imagine it does. Now imagine the horror if a lawyer is not sat next to you. Why can’t the crew get you in the ambulance and just wait a bit for us to arrive? Statistically, you are almost as close to a golf course as you are a hospital. In many cases closer. So even if the Ambulance does need to leave immediately, a slight detour to pick up one of our members would be of little consequence.”

“At the very least we should be allowed blue lights on our cars so we can chase you safely.”

We were a bit confused, we could see the plight and fear in lawyers eyes but could not get anybody to tell us of the exact nature of the competency scandal that we had been hearing about.

“It’s a competency claim. A big one, the biggest. The Banks etc are learning, they are becoming trustworthy in their selling. The medical profession is getting better and making fewer mistakes. The cars are safer and industries are recalling dodgy products before they become an issue. They are just getting too good at doing their jobs and looking after the public. That means an end to easy money to lawyers. The police no longer beat people and all this community resolution with people saying sorry and just getting on, the anger management, the marriage guidance. The fewer people get married the less divorce… It’s a horrifying world we are creating.”

“To clarify, the government and business are becoming too competent. We demand more incompetence and dishonest business practices, that’s what made Britain great, and we can do it again.”

But surely this new wave of honest, competent openness and transparency is a good thing for our society. For example, the papers having been taken to task over hacking into murdered victims phones are now exposing sexism in the film industry.

Lawyers are attempting to improve their image by insisting white envelopes are used instead of the more traditional brown ones for bribes

But there is however one last unseen, often overlooked and important service that the legal industry provides society. They are hate figures. Barrister Sue Yoo had these chilling last words about a world without lawyers

“Without lawyers who are you going to hate, politicians? Don’t make me laugh, they are pussycats compared to us”

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