Liberal Democrat MP admits drinking instant Coffee
With many in the political landscape admitting to taking class A drugs in their past, a leading Liberal Democrat MP has come forward to tell The
It was a different time
To many of the liberal elite, this may sound shocking. But the Starbucks and Costa culture are a relatively recent phenomenon. There was indeed a time when drinking coffee that had first been past through the digestive system of a cat were deemed disgusting rather than something you boasted to your friends about. Our MP remembers his difficult past.
“Back in the eighties, England was a very different place. Tea was sold in mugs for pennies and every town had a Station Café offering all-day breakfasts. Even those that were not linked to the rail network. Starbucks and Costa overcharging £3 a cup for brown hot water were but a distant dream on the horizon.”
“It was usual for all sections of society to drink cheap coffee, all classes from all backgrounds. The kids today don’t know how hard it was to avoid such temptations. I am not proud of it but yes, yes I did drink instant for about 2 to 3 years during university”
We asked him what message he thought this was giving to younger liberals coming up through the ranks
“All I can do is apologise and hope that my experiences can act as a warning. I mean I only drank Gold Blend, none of the cheap stuff, and when the own-brand stuff came out that’s when I knew this was bad. This was getting hardcore.“
“I did once taste a cup of Tescos Value Instant but I honestly did not swallow.“
“Soon after, the local high street opened a Costa, I think that saved me”
So why is expensive coffee such an important part of Liberal life?
“The biggest world issues can only be solved by talking. Preferably over expensive boutique café coffee costing upwards of £5 a shot. How else will you end world poverty?”
The Coffee House Trap
With that one simple word ’boutique’ we could see the problems of the liberal elite laid bare. Starbucks and Costa were now mainstream and they had been subtly manipulated towards the small backstreet independent retailers to find ever higher prices to brag about at dinner parties. With high street coffee now considered common and deemed out of bounds, lower-middle-class liberals were finding it harder to compete
With some now priced out of the market, it is feared many are resorting to cheaper coffee behind closed doors at home. We asked a young Liberal called Wesley of his own horrifying experience.
“I was finding it harder to get money for my expensive coffees, friends were noticing. I would just ask for black, no extra shots or a flat white. Then one day I happened to be passing down the Waitrose coffee ile and reached out towards a jar of own brand. If it wasn’t for Tarquin and Olivia rushing me into the Beans, lentils and pulses section… Well, I just don’t know what would have happened.”
McDonald’s now do their own brand of cheap hot brown liquid that is almost exactly, unlike coffee.
We later spoke to Tarquin, the hero of the hour, who confided in us that people who drank instant coffee have been scientifically proven not to be intelligent enough to vote.
“52% of Brexit voters drank instant coffee. That can’t just be coincidence”
So what would have happened if Wesley had ‘gone for the cheap stuff’? Where does this spiral of ever decreasing coffee prices lead those who fall into the criminally cheap caffeine cartels trap?
“It would probably have ended tragically like so many former liberals before him. Spending all day drinking coffee in McDonald’s, reading the Metro and pretending he’s there for the free Wi-Fi”