Our Privacy Policy

In order to run our organisation and keep you, our members, updated we need to collect and keep some data about you. This document outlines why, how and when we will do this to comply with GDPR and allow sites such as Google to rank us higher on their listings.

Who are we?

The Fakeham Herald (part of the web stuff library collective)

Why do we need to collect data?

Quite frankly it’s worth a bit of money. The more data we collect about you the more money we can make selling it to criminal organisations, marketers and in fact anybody else who will pay us.

We do not sell information to government bodies, either national or international. This is because:

  • They already have it, NRA etc. Please take time out of your day to occasionally wave at your laptop camera and say “have a nice day”. Watching people do mundane tasks can be extremely boring and spies are people too.
  • They are notoriously bad payers unless of course, you’re married to an MP in which case drop us a line so we can get a preferred contractors arrangement.
  • We strongly believe you should keep business away from politics unless of course it can be proved to be criminal

We promise to keep your data safe

Well Duh! Obviously, we will keep it safe. It’s worth nothing once it’s out in the public domain. We want to sell it for as much as possible to as many organisations as possible

What data do we NOT collect

We do not (at this time) collect bank details due to the following:

  • We have yet to find a member of the public stupid enough to give us this information. We will endeavour to keep searching and will amend this part of the policy should we find such a person in the future
  • Should we ever be able to collect such data we will attempt to draw small amounts from your bank account so that you do not notice. If you do notice then PLEASE CONTACT US IMMEDIATELY. We can then arrange to reduce this unauthorised payment to a level that you will not suspect.
  • Due to reaching early retirement age soon, it may be that we just empty your accounts fully in one hit. We have yet to do a full costings analysis, but it may be possible for the committee to abscond to an island in the Philippines with quite a bit of money. This will take at least five to ten years to put into place but as we are an honest and transparent organisation we feel a duty to inform you of such a possibility.

Other information you may find useful

Any moneys will be kept in a Swiss bank account. The Swiss are getting a bit touchy now about criminal organisations so we reserve the right to move such funds to various offshore islands to protect them

We may not get the highest fees possible for your data. The highest fees are often paid by the most dangerous of criminal gangs, the cheapest by a bunch of soft advertising geeks who my 10-year-old kid could finish off in under five minutes. There is, therefore, a Profit: Physical Injuries Ratio that has to be observed. Because of this, the committee recently voted to keep this between 3.2 and 4.1 on the Kray Twin Index.

If you have actually bothered to read this all the way to the end, well done. You can find the real policy here : copyright: David O’Connor 4/5/2019

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