Shock as Conservative Leadership Frontrunner is White Van Man

Shock as Conservative Leadership Frontrunner is White Van Man

By Editor 0 Comment June 3, 2019

Bike man Boris replaced by van man Dave. The Fakeham Herold’s has found that there is a 14th leadership contender about to be revealed: Forget talent, Dave is a man who owns his own van!

Boris now playing second fiddle

Mr Johnson was the original top dog for delivering Brexit for the nation on his Boris bike. The former cabinet member has claimed to be able to deliver Brexit to £350 million UK homes every week. We asked his secretary if he was aware that there are only about 65 million people in the UK at any one time. His office did not dispute this but stated that our figures were for the population and NOT the number of homes. When The Fakeham Herold asked why then was there was a housing crisis? The answer given (quite smugly) was that all their friends had four or five houses, doesn’t everybody? Which of course completely answers both of the mathematical anomalies raised above.

Leaked memo tells real reason May failed to deliver

In a leaked memo seen exclusively by our political editor, it has been revealed that May did try to convince fellow MP’s to get the Royal Mail to deliver Brexit on the government’s behalf. However, 63p second class mail x 65 million people would have a cost of about £40 million and was therefore deemed a waste of taxpayers money.

Leaving parcels behind bins has been scientifically proven to be the most secure way to prevent mail theft.

Labour told us this was a typical conservative manipulation of the figures. They claim that this is a woeful underestimate of the real cost involved. A typical Tory trick designed to pull the wool over the eyes of the electorate once again.

“We know this is just fantasy, once we have re-nationalised the mail service it will cost at least three times that much”

So who is Dave? Why and How was he chosen?

“We have a major issue in government that nothing will get done until Brexit is sorted. We simply need to just get on and deliver it. Dave advertised in my village magazine and according to his Trustpilot rating, he is the man with both the experience and track record to do it.

And he’s also got his own van.”

Senior ministers and conservative big hitters are not only impressed by his 4.6 star rating, but also the results of high-level security checks used to vet potential candidates. M16 have been impressed that his van not only has insurance and tax, but it also has an MOT that does not expire till November, well after Brexit needs to be delivered.

This flag is not owned by a person with a white van. We know this because it has not got “ENGLAND” printed across the middle

We tracked down Dave to a small ex-council house in Hounslow, and asked him if this was indeed true? and why we should trust him with the future of the UK.

“Well, I was just off to move a few desks to a new office for a client when this Lord somebody rang up and said if I was free for the next couple of months. Well apart from a week on the Costa del sol end of August I was. He said ‘how do you fancy becoming prime minister and delivering Brexit for us?’ Well, it’s a big contract but I told him my mates, Derick and Trev could help. Promised to defiantly deliver it in the next few weeks as the footy season starts September so I’d rather just get it over with and get down the pub”

One last shocking twist

Two days later and before even voting for any leadership had started we were contacted by Alfred Knott who said that Dave had delivered Brexit earlier that morning. It came in a polystyrene box wrapped in silver foil. Once Alf had signed Dave hurriedly left.

“When opened I discovered it was full of hot potatoes. When I asked if I could send it back as I never asked for Brexit, they said ‘that’s fine’ but I would have to pay £25 Billion in return postage”

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